Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
