his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
