dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
