Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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