Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
