So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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