I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
