Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
