did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
