HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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