This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I could make wine with my vomit
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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