Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
