the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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