Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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