I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
