You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Dignity is for republicans.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
