i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
