My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
