the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
