it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
