come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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