i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
