Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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