I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
