That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
