Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
