she looked like the before picture.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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