My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
