Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think my moral compass just broke
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
