I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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