So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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