I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
