I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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