i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
