I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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