broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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