Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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