Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
