No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
