My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
