just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
