I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
