Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
