Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just forgot I was standing up.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
