His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
