we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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