The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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