even my farts smell like vagina
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
There r osticjed everywhere
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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