why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
