Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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