I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
