fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
