My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
