then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
