I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
