What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
