the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
