I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
