Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
what the fuck happened to the tacos
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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