1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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