I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
