I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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